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Peter, with parents Teresa and Rick

“Are you sitting down? We have your baby for you”

With those words, my world changed forever. Years of heartbreak, disappointment, and frustration were no longer my focus. I was becoming a mom!

After years of trying to conceive, doctors told me it would be impossible to conceive a child. Years of pain had finally been diagnosed as endometriosis. This disease has no known cause and renders its victims infertile. I had surgery at the age of 20 to repair a ruptured cyst on my ovary and that left me with one tube and one ovary. Problem was they were on opposite sides! The likelihood that I would conceive was improbable.

My husband and I had discussed children when we were dating and I told him I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I had put myself through college and earned my degree, had traveled to many countries, and had been living on my own. I was ready to settle down and have a family. Having been raised by a single mom after my father passed away when I was eight, I wanted to be home for my kids because my mom couldn’t. I didn’t want that for my children. I also told him that I might have trouble conceiving. (Endometriosis had not been diagnosed for me yet.) He told me that it was fine, that he was hoping we would have a few of our own and then adopt more. I fell in love with him on the spot. My cousins are adopted and I am very close to them being close in age. My husband and I married on March 12, 1994.

In the meantime, I had four more surgeries to try to keep the endometriosis at bay. We decided that adoption was our best chance at having children. Research began. This time we looked into the different kinds of adoption. Do we go with an agency? Attorney? Facilitator? International? Now we had to interview the agencies to see if they were reputable and caring, not just to us, but to birthparents. We finally found an agency that we liked. Then the paperwork began. First we had to have fingerprints taken for FBI background checks. Then we had to submit 3 years of tax records, DMV supplied driving record, recent medical checkups including AIDS and TB testing, proof of employment, and proof of medical insurance. We had to submit letters of reference. We also had to set up a living trust. We were also required to attend child-rearing classes with specific adoption emphasis, and infant CPR training for certification. Then came the home-study (the social worker comes to your home to inspect it). We had 4 interviews with the social worker so that they would know us, and what type of parents we would be so that they could feel comfortable placing a child with us. Many times we were so discouraged we wanted to give up, but we wanted a child to love.

Then we had to put a profile together and then make a “Dear Birthparent” letter to introduce ourselves to anyone even considering adoption for his or her child! How does one write such a letter? It’s difficult to say good things about yourself anyway and now you must do so in order to help someone entrust his or her precious child to you! In the meantime, our friends were happily having baby showers and bringing home their babies from the hospital. I was so sad sometimes that I couldn’t bring myself to go to the baby showers because I didn’t want to break into tears and ruin it for the honoree. Instead, I just sent a gift with someone else. Mother’s Day was the worst at church. Mother’s Day 1999 was going to be my last one at church if I didn’t have a baby. I would find something else to do that day. My emotions could not be more volatile than when someone came up to me and said, “I thought about you all service! I’m praying you will have a baby soon.” I would have to turn around and head to the car so they wouldn’t feel so bad that their words made me cry.

In December of 1998 I was making a turkey dinner when I found myself doubled over in pain. A trip to my doctor revealed that the endometriosis had indeed returned and a hysterectomy was needed. In June of 1999, I was wheeled in to have a total hysterectomy. I was devastated and relieved at the same time. Devastated because any last hope of “accidentally” conceiving was gone. Relieved because I would no longer be in pain.

On July 30, 1999, 8 weeks into my recovery and four years after trying to have a baby, we received the phone call from the agency. “A boy, full Korean, 7lbs, 10 oz, born July 26. His birthparents have chosen you.” All at once I was filled with joy and anxiousness. I had so many phone calls to make and I still had to get baby supplies! I had waited so long for this and I was so scared at the same time. It’s like finding out you’re pregnant and realizing that you will be having your baby the next day.

We went to the agency the next morning to pick up Peter. I looked at his face and immediately realized that two brave teenagers had made an enormous sacrifice. We were told that they had hidden the pregnancy from their parents and made the adoption plan themselves. (When we met them later, we found this was true). They called the agency the day after Peter was born and went in to sign the papers. The agency waited 24 hours and then called them again to make sure that this was what they wanted to do. I was glad because that showed me that the agency was concerned for the birthparents, too. They assured the agency that this was what they wanted because they wanted Peter to grow up in a good home with good parents. They also wanted to go on to college and knew that Peter would be shuffled from house to house while they went to college and they wanted better for him. I was so amazed by the maturity of these two that they would put Peter’s needs above their own. No way did they take the easy way out of this situation! She could have had an abortion, but they chose to give their child a life. I was overwhelmed with love for them and I had not even met them!

How do you thank someone for giving you such the wonderful gift of parenthood? I believe it is by raising my son to know that he is loved by not just his daddy and me, but also by two people he’s never really known, but are so special to us. We send letters and pictures to our agency and his birthparents go in to see the pictures and read the letters. This is the arrangement they decided on because their parents are still unaware that they were pregnant. His birthparents’ pictures are in his baby book because they deserve to be honored for their incredible sacrifice. He will know that he was not “abandoned” by them, but that they loved him too much to try to be his parents. They simply were not ready to be parents and didn’t want to try it out on Peter. They have seen that Peter is happy, thriving, and loved and they have peace now knowing that they made the right decision for him. I’ve been acquainted with other adoptive parents who have great ongoing relationships with the birthparents of their children. I would have liked that too, but I respect the decision Peter’s birthparents have made. It does not change my opinion of them in the least. They are heroes to me and are becoming great role models for my son with their continuing educational goals. I am as proud of them as I am of my son.