Every year I go through the same thing and since my older brother and sister moved out after her death, I feel like I don't have a shoulder to cry on or anyone to share any of my pain with. My little brother won't understand because he was only 8 or 9 when this happened and he didn't really know what happened. I just wish my best friend was here all the time so she could help me through this. All the time in school I'm just there to think, and I don't know what am I supposed to do when I am becoming a "woman", and no one is gonna be there telling me not to have sex or anything because my dad will never talk about that with me. So it took me at least two years to tell my best friend what actually happened. She didn't really understand why I had lied to everyone but I did it. She didn't really understand how I was feeling because she has a mother to take care of her and to be over-protective of her. She doesn't have any idea what it's like living with my step-father and my little brother. I need my sister home to tell me what to do and how do it and then explain to me why I feel the way I do. I just wish someone would stand next to me and tell me things my father can't because he thinks I'm too young for everything that happens. He thinks I don't understand anything when I do.
Just a couple months ago (about 10 months) I met a guy and fell head over heels. It turns out we were in love. He told me how he really felt about me and he was older than me; he was my older brother's friend. He was 17 and I'm 14. The problem was that no one would let us be together and I hate that. He didn't lead me on; I really loved him, too. We had to keep this a secret. I wanted to just tell everyone and let it out, but if I tried, everything would get screwed up and I would never see him again. It turns out he moved in August and we didn't have sex or anything. And after all of that. he didn't want to have sex. He just wanted to tell me that he loved me. Everyone thinks he was just trying to get me to have sex with him, but no. I had talked to him about that and he told me that the sex doesn't matter. He loved me for me and that was it.
But I didn't have a mother to let her know that I found someone that loved me for me and not to have sex with. He moved and we still talk to this day and he is coming back. I had lost the two most meaningful things in my life and one may not return. The only thing I have now is my best friend and she still doesn't understand anything about my mother. I need someone to give me love only a mother can provide, and who is always there no matter what I say, no matter how stupid the arguments are, no matter how the conversation leads. If only my mother was here I wouldn't have such a hard time with boys and friends and especially now with school.
When I come home, I find myself thinking of the two people I lost and the one person I have left. I would have traded my life to save my mother's life. I wish it would have been me who had taken those pills and not my mother. Now I can never share with her my feelings of doubts, love, sex, women things. Now I can't share anything with anyone; I just have to keep everything inside. I hate keeping everything inside. I don't want a counselor and so I didn't get one. I want my mother back in my life showing me the steps and doorways and letting me walk through them. I want so much as to say goodbye to her.
I hate being so responsible at such a young age. Also when people ask me if I could wish for one thing what would it be, i always think to myself "I wish I could trade my life" but I can't say that out loud because most people wouldn't understand. If I said what I was thinking out loud, then people would ask me "Are you not loving your life?" I couldn't bear to answer that question because I know I would just break down in tears.
I only want one thing, and every time I look at the sky I always cry because I know that no matter how hard I wish on a shooting star, it will never come true.
My mother will never see me with a boyfriend, or when I get out of middle school, or when I get asked to homecoming, or see the pictures at my prom, or even see me graduate and go off to college. NO, she will never see that. My kids will ask where their grandma is, and I would just sit there and try to think of what to say.
I know that I'm 14 and some people think I wouldn't understand what it feels like to lose the one person you love. But they are wrong. I know very much how it feels.
I remember walking home from school and then my big brother coming up to me and telling me that Mom just died. I stood there saying "this is a joke right?" Then I saw the tears coming out of his tired red eyes. I believed it; she was gone and I told myself "NO this is impossible, this could never happen to my family". Then I walked to my house and I realized that on that exact morning when she dropped me off at school, my last words to her were "I love you". I stood there in my room for the next couple of months just letting my tears roll down my cheeks, and I realized I wasn't the only one whose heart was bleeding. It was my brothers' and sister's and father's, too. My family traveled from California just be at that funeral; over 2000 miles to say goodbye.
I never said goodbye. I never want to say goodbye. But I know one day I will have to let my heart out and just let it be.
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