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I felt hopeless. Why did God hate me so much? Why was I the only one in the world that had to endure so much pain and suffering? My best friend had just committed suicide and I felt that I should have prevented it. I felt so alone...like I had no one to talk to. To make matters worse, I lost four of my really good friends on Sept. 11. I was supposed to be flying with them on American Airlines Flight 11 (the first plane to crash into the WTC). I had decided not to go because school would have just started and I didn't want to fall behind in my work. I turned down an all expenses paid trip to go to CA for two weeks. What made me do that? I truly believe that God was not ready for me to leave this earth. At first I thought that God didn't want me to die because he wanted me to have to endure more pain before I died. But now I realize that he has an awesome purpose for me in this life! I try to live for God each day and to show everyone that he has filled me up with his love.

I still get down sometimes because my sister is struggling with an eating disorder and it's tearing my family apart. My dad has been laid off from his job twice. My now best friend is dying of cancer. I had contemplated suicide for a while, but then I realized that killing myself wouldn't solve anything and that my friends and family members, whom I loved, would have to go through the same pain that I felt when my friend killed herself. I have the awesome support of my friends and members of my church who lift me up and help me to grow and flourish. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on, but then I think of my future and the awesome things that I have left to accomplish. I also think of Jordan.

Jordan is a six-year-old boy that I met while I was taking mission track at a church camp this summer. One of the days we volunteered to help at the kid's club, where kids who were less fortunate went to play and they got to listen to a story, as well. Jordan's mother had just gotten out of jail for the fifth or sixth time since he was born, and Jordan had already been suspended from kindergarten! I knew that this young, precious child was floundering in life already and I was deeply worried about where he would end up in the future. I told him that I was worried about him and he told me that he was just doing what his mommy did. How could I tell this child that his mother was wrong? I didn't; instead I grabbed him and hugged him as hard as I could for as long as I could. I told him that I would be praying for him and that I loved him very much. I love Jordan unconditionally and that is after playing with him for only two hours. I then began thinking that if I was capable of feeling a love that I had never felt before after being with this child for 120 minutes, I can't even fathom how much God loves me after knowing me for thousands of years. He knew me before I was even thought of being born, he knows me better than I know myself.

A passage from the Bible that has really helped me is Matthew 21:22 "If you believe, then you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." I pray for Jordan every day as well as for my best friend, myself, and many others, whom I know God will bless. I have been through some rough times, but my love for my God is the fire that has kept me going.